Still sleeping with ExH

How screwed up is that!? Like once a week or so, he comes over just to have sex. It’s terrible sex. I don’t understand how I ever enjoyed it. I mean, he’s big in all the right places, but maybe it’s the disconnection. I miss having sex with J. Hmm…. Plus, he always finishes inside of me even though I told him he can’t do that anymore. He has that bad habit, though. He just wants to keep going and not stop because if he keeps going, he stays hard. Matter of fact, it’s because of that that I ended up pregnant in the first place with him… UGH. What to do? Who sleeps with their ex husband!?!?

-G

Can’t afford to go to DC

So, apparently, I had the dates wrong and Copter (my friend overseas) will be leaving for DC on the 20th of February. Which gives me one week less to get all of my finances in order. It’s insane, but I can pay all of my bills for a month with $1800. That’s all I need to pay for everything, but I don’t think I’ll be able to come up with it by the 20th. Even if I work every shift possible, it won’t be enough. I need to make enough to pay for all of March’s bills before I leave so I don’t have to worry about it and I would need some spending money, and… Ugh. Just ugh. Here I was actually considering being spontaneous and taking a risk and was getting excited to see the world and was so proud of myself for doing something I WANTED even if it seemed crazy. Sad. Just sad.

-G

Nikki is a bad bitch

So, Nikki Minaj. Her voice irritates me to be honest, but as a lyricist, she is incredible. She’s also nice to look at. By nice, I mean I masturbate to her music videos. Seriously, sh’e fucking hot. Today, I got curious and looked up her stats: She’s 5’2″ and weighs 137 lbs. She’s a 34D and measures 38-28-45. I could pull this off. I weigh lots more that 137, but I weighed that in high school and my body type hasn’t changed much since then. I am a 36D and my hips are 45 exactly. Just gotta get that waist down quite a bit… I am going to do this and then I’ll be a bad bitch, too. Sorry, it’s random, but it’s on my mind, lol.

-G

Friend Overseas

I’m running out of things to call people. Why must everyone’s name start with the same letter!? I guess we’ll go for Lark on this one. I met him on Tinder and we matched and have been chatting. He’s a helicopter technician and works 28 days on and 28 days off. Right now, he’s in Afghanistan (which is 11:30 hours difference, btw). This year, he’s also going to Patagonia and China. How freaking cool is that!? I’ve sent him a full body pic already and he said I’m cute and that he likes “buxom” girls. We’ve also established that neither of us is really looking for a reationship. Well, he said his job makes it pretty impossible to have anything serious.

Yesterday, we started talking about the fact that I’ve always dreamed of traveling and photographing the world. Well, he sent me to his website where I saw some of his photography and WOW! He’s really great. He does landscape work and I told him I was more interested in the people and lifestyle of different countries. We decided we would make an awesome photography team 🙂

I told him we should go on a road trip when he comes home and he invited me to go to DC with him the day after he gets back. He said I wouldn’t have to pay for anything since he’s making the trip whether I go or not (I should probably still pay for my own food and stuff…. He didn’t say that, but I think it’s appropriate). We would be gone for 2ish weeks and would get to spend 4 days in Washington DC just touring the area. Um, DREAM COME TRUE!

I am actually considering it. I would just have to come up with enough money to cover all of March’s bills by then (Feb 29) and have some spending money. It’s really not that, crazy, right!?!?!

-G

Missing J.

I know I haven’t said much about J lately. Well, I haven’t really said much of anything until a couple of days ago when I finally called things off with him and that’s because I’ve spent every moment with him since before Christmas. That’s easy to do when your boyfriend (yes, I called him that) is unemployed. I don’t have much to say but this: he’s a bum. He quit his construction job because he hated it. He quit his fast food job because he hated it. Not only was I paying for his food/drinks if we went out, but he started taking advantage of it.

I cannot support a man. To be honest, I can barely support myself. I’ve been a stay at home mom for 2 years and now, I’m responsible for paying half of my bills (until March when I’m in charge of all of them)! I don’t have that kind of money. Most of you will laugh at this, but all I need is $1800/month to cover EVERYTHING in my budget. I’m pretty frugal, but still,  I cannot and will not support a man.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, he seems bipolar. Since the beginning of December when we started seeing each other “officially”, we’ve broken up at least 4 times. That’s every other week. He gets upset  and says things he doesn’t mean and then I have moments of strength when I walk away, but we always end up back together. He is my weakness.

I will say this out loud only because I know you’ll hold me accountable, but our relationship was borderline emotionally abusive. Definitely toxic and unhealthy. I finally walked away, but I miss him and think about being in his arms at this time of night. Oh well. I am strong enough to do this.

Right?

-G

It’s gonna cost more than $100…

So, last night with James was… nice. When we talked about where we were going to eat, he told me to pick. We all know that dilemma: Pick something too nice and you’re a gold digger. Pick something not nice enough and you don’t take it seriously. So, I finally decided Outback Steakhouse would be good since I wanted steak and it was nice, but not outrageous. I mentioned that I wanted steak, but didn’t want to go to Texas Roadhouse and he said he hated chains… So, I told him I didn’t know where to go. He suggested a really (REALLY) nice steakhouse and I said I’d never been there but that it sounded great.

Well, it was nice. REALLY nice. Like, our dinner and a bottle of wine (which I didn’t want since I don’t really enjoy wine, but he ordered it anyway) was $100. Maybe that isn’t alot to y’all, but that’s a small fortune to me. We had fun conversation over dinner and he was a pleasant eater (minus the teeth scraping on his fork), but when the bill came, he asked if $18 was an appropriate tip for a $90 bill. Maybe I’m doing that weird female thing where I completely overthink the situation, but why would he tell me how much our bill was?!? It seemed tacky.

After dinner, we went to Barnes&Noble so I could pick up a book (which I’ll be blogging about “Daring Greatly”) and after, I called T so we could go over there. He had originally said something about playing a 4 player card game after dinner on our first date, so I planned to go to T’s boyfriend’s house. Apparently, that’s not how he wanted to spend the evening… After he sat there really upset that I didn’t want to go back to my place, I asked him to take me home. He hugged me and gave me a small kiss at the door.

I called him and told him to drive safe and he said he was going out with friends. I told him “Have fun!!” and he said “Sweet dreams” That was the end.

I don’t have to justify it. He was nice. Had money and was willing to spend it on me. I felt no connection, so I don’t plan on calling. Again, it’s time to do what I what simply because it’s what I want, so that’s exactly what I’m doing 🙂

-G

Cheating with coworkers

Everybody knows this is a terrible idea, yet I’d be willing to bet that most affairs begin in the workplace. Granted, I work at a restaurant, so it’s a much more casual setting than, say, a finance firm, but the temptation is real. Perhaps even more real than in a professional setting because we are all ourselves at work. No hiding our personalities. As servers, we probably even highlight those qualities that are most attractive to girls like me: outgoing, friendly, playful, witty, hard-working. A restaurant is akin to a feeding pool to me. I’m surrounded by outgoing, seemingly flirty, usually attractive men that are all being friendly. It’s heaven to an attention whore like myself.

BUT I can’t go for the guys my age… NOOOOooooo… I have to go for the youngins. Why? Who the hell knows? All I know is I can’t stop. So far, I’ve been with N and D (who you’ve already heard about). What you don’t know is that I’ve sexted SK (just once, but pictures were exchanged), B (what the hell was I thinking there? He’s quite possibly one of the most UNattractive guys I’ve ever met), and that I  straight up told V that I wanted to sleep with him. Now, to be fair, V was GORGEOUS. I mean, from the moment I met him, I melted. Tall, dark hair cut into that sexy long side part with the sides shaved. Facial hair and tattoos. HO.LY. HELL, he is hot. And when he smiles, it’s such a sweet, gentle smile…. SIGH.

Besides them, I’ve had actual real conversations/exchanges with my Ginger and M. M was short-lived and we mostly just talked about having sex. We exchanged several pictures (most of mine came from the internet, bwahaha) and I was definitely interested in him even though he was also quite unattractive. That ended when I told him I wanted him to go to The Bar and kiss me outside. He said he was feeling too much emotion from me and we probably should stop because he didn’t need any distractions from his work… Ummmm, you’re a prep cook. UGH. Ginger and I, however, had quite a nice run. I remember being slightly tipsy at my dad’s house in the hot tub messaging him and I told him he should text me. I really don’t even remember how we started talking. Texting quickly escalated to middle of the night meetings to make out and (secretly) hanging out after work. He’s super young and super naive when it comes to females, but I honestly think that made him much more charming. Plus, knowing I could turn him on in an instant was really rewarding. I know I’m a complete idiot for even going there, but he made me smile. I truthfully don’t even remember how it ended, just that he told one of his friends I was acting crazy always wanting to see him. I deleted his number when I found that out and now, we just goof off at work. I think I’ve had it with coworkers. Really. I slutted it up through sexting and now I’m done. I want A, though, but he doesn’t count as a coworker… He’s my boss 😉

-G